Problems

“Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them” - Lou Holtz

We all have problems, some of us have bigger, more complicated problems than others, or so we think. You see, all problems are relative, relative to the person perceiving the problems, and relative to the situation. Why is it that we like to talk about our problems so much, and why is it that we all feel so empowered when talking to others about their problems? I have always wondered why people talk about the same problems over and over again, and I found a simple explanation in an unlikely book. People enjoy their problems, and they enjoy talking about their problems because it makes them feel united, it's almost like a bonding experience.

The really sad thing is that when you ask someone what they have done about a certain problem, most of them will say they don't know what to do. And even sadder is that they haven't even bothered to try and find out what can be done. The only logical explanation to that can be that the problem really isn't a problem, just something they like to talk about....... or is it?

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.” - Chuck Palahniuk

This quote explains a lot. Some of us can't imagine what our lives would be like if we didn't have problems, what on earth would we talk about? What would we do with our spare time? Some of us are even defined by our problems. So what types of problems are there?
Financial problems - possible solution, adjust your current lifestyle?
Health problems - possible solution, seek advice from a trustworthy source?
Weight problems - possible solution, change your diet, start exercising, see a dietitian?
Relationship problems - possible solution, seek counselling?
Personal problems - possible solution, life coaching?
Work problems - possible solution, change your career, job, speak to HR?
The list goes on......, but what we all need to realize is that there is always a solution to a problem, no matter how big it may seem at the time.

“Focus 90% of your time on solutions and only 10% of your time on problems.” - Anthony J. D'Angelo

Most of us spend most of our time mulling over a problem trying to find a solution, and most of the time when we stop mulling, the solution comes to us. I often catch myself getting stuck on a problem, so I decide to take a break or do something else for a few minutes and the answer usually comes to me, and I also always try to look at things differently, which really annoys my family and friends. A lot of my family and friends will see a problem and I'll see a solution, the reason they get annoyed, well, they can't talk about the problem any more.....

“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” - Albert Einstein

Now for the controversial part of my article. Did you know that most of the problems we have in our lives we created ourselves? 'But I didn't cause the current global financial crisis!' you may say. Well actually, you did, we all did in some small way. The human race is responsible for it and if you aren't part of the human race, I'd love to meet you. And the more personal the problem, the more responsible we are. Take our health for example, unless the problem is hereditary, we are responsible for it. (Even hereditary problems can be cured if done correctly!)

“The way we see the problem is the problem” - Stephen R. Covey

So why are there problems? I believe problems exist to let us know we are doing something wrong. If I have a health problem, it's my bodies way of telling me there is something wrong with my thinking. You see, only our mind can create, our body can't create without our mind telling it to do so. If I have a financial problem, it's because I have been creating lack in my life, and so on...

Take responsibility for your life, start by being grateful for what you have, stop giving your problems so much power over your life by talking about them less, and try to see the positive side to seemingly negative situations. Your problems will gradually start to disappear, and you can enjoy life on this wonderful planet we call home. That's why we are here, to enjoy our lives!
I leave you this week with one of my favourite quotes...

“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.” - Richard Bach

Beliefs

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” - Bertrand Russell

Oh boy, this is a really touchy subject, but one I love to discuss. Did you know that there are over 40 religions in the world? Which one is right? Well, that all depends on who you are talking to. If you are talking to a Christian, obviously Christianity must be right, if you are talking to a Jew, then Judaism must be right, and so on.... and yes, there are extremists who will die to defend their beliefs.

What would happen to society if a discovery was made that proved all religions to be wrong in their teachings? Would us humans be able to cope? You see, all religious beliefs are based on faith, none of us were there to witness what actually happened so we believe what we are told, and the sad thing is, this extends beyond religion. I could start a rumour right now and if I could get enough people to believe it, it wouldn't matter if it was the truth or not.

“If you don't change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?” - William Somerset Maugham

The good news is that we can change our beliefs whenever we want to. (In the past we might have been burned on the cross! Isn't it a shame that humans were killed by other humans because their beliefs didn't conform to the norm at the time....) And I'm not only talking about religious beliefs, I'm talking about self beliefs too.

I was raised as a christian and went to an Anglican church, but I never felt comfortable going to an Anglican church, so I started going to a non-denominational church which I really enjoyed for a while. Now I don't go to church at all because there are just some aspects and teachings I feel uncomfortable with. Does this make me a bad person? The sad thing is, you are probably judging me as you read this, doing the exact opposite of what the bible teaches.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:" - Luke 6:37

Enough about religious beliefs, lets get to self beliefs. If I believe I am useless at something, guess what, I will be. It doesn't matter if all my family and friends tell me otherwise, what I believe is what really matters.

“All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in beliefs.” - Anthony Robbins

Most of our self beliefs come from the way we were raised as children. Fortunately as adults we have the power to believe whatever we want to, the problem is that most of us are unaware of our self beliefs. To find out what our self beliefs are, we need to ask some pretty difficult questions, and even more importantly, answer them honestly!
Do I respect myself?
Does it show in the way I behave?
Does it show in the way I dress?
Does it show in the way I eat & drink?
Do I love myself? (not the arrogant kind of love, the caring kind of love.)
Does it show in my love for others?
Am I a good partner/husband/wife/father/mother?
Am I good at my job?

The list goes on....

If you are in a relationship, ask your partner to answer the questions too, if there are any differences, they need to be discussed. It's no good if I believe I'm a good husband and my wife disagrees. And don't let the discussion become emotional, it's just a discussion, not a life threatening event.

“The outer conditions of a person's life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” - James Allen

"Just because you believe it, doesn't mean it's the truth." - Brynn Thomas

"Believe and your belief will create the fact." - William James

I read some disturbing news yesterday. More humans have died at the hands of other humans than through natural disasters!
What is wrong with us?

Adjacent Possibilities

“The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.” - George Bernard Shaw

Have you ever heard the term 'Adjacent Possibilities"? I hadn't, until the latest book I'm reading. I don't mean to alarm you, but we are where we are today because of all the decisions we have made, conscious & unconscious. There is no one else to blame, they have all been our decisions. We have all made decisions we have regretted at some point in our lives, but they can't be changed, we have hopefully learned form them. Can you imagine where you would be right now if you had made a different decision at some turning point in your life?



That's what adjacent possibilities is all about. Our current thoughts have adjacent possibilities running alongside them all the time, some better, some worse. And we can always choose which ones to follow. If you like the current thought, stick to it, or choose an even better one, if you don't like it, definitely choose a better one.

“The vast possibilities of our great future will become realities only if we make ourselves responsible for that future.” - Gifford Pinchot

Now most of us would say, 'I can't help what I'm thinking or feeling!'. If that's the case, we are currently living what is known as a reactionary emotional existence. Let me explain, when we wake up in the morning we can either decide to have a good day, or we could let the day decide for us. If I get up in the morning and decide that today is going to be a good day and I walk out the bedroom door and kick my toe, two adjacent possibilities are present. I could either get angry and say to myself, 'If that's how my day is starting, the rest is going to be a disaster!' OR I could silently scold myself for being clumsy and just tell myself to be more careful in future. If I had reacted angrily without thinking it would have been an emotional reaction. Some of us go through our whole day reacting to every situation as it occurs in which case we are living a reactionary emotional existence.

“The vast possibilities of our great future will become realities only if we make ourselves responsible for that future.” - Gifford Pinchot

To start becoming responsible for our own lives, we need to understand how life really works. I could buy the most powerful computer in the world, but it would just be piece of junk if I didn't know how to use it. I often have discussions about my belief system, and I have often been told my mind is 'too open'. All I want to find out is the truth, and to find the truth I have to have an open mind. Why do I want to find out the truth? Because I want to live the best life I possibly can, and to do that I need to get as close to my creator as I possibly can. But that's a discussion all on it's own!

“Stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibilities” - Terry Josephson

Every time I need to make a conscious decision I remind myself of the adjacent possibilities, and I always try to choose the thoughts that bring me feelings of joy and happiness, and if something bad is happening and I feel I have no control over it, I look for the lesson or the best possible outcome and then I let it go. Why don't you start choosing your thoughts and emotional reactions, it really is empowering, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes, just like any other habit.

“The optimist lives on the peninsula of infinite possibilities; the pessimist is stranded on the island of perpetual indecision.” - William Arthur Ward

“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” - Jamie Paolinetti

Control

Before I get to this weeks article I would like to invite all of you to join my social network. I have created an online social network for 'Creative Living'. It's similar to facebook, once you have signed up you can start discussions, download photo's, video, etc. The reason I started it is for like minded people to connect and discuss some of the concepts I write about, ask questions and share experiences. It's going to be interesting to see just how many of my readers join, it'll be an indication as to how many really want to learn how to create their own life and how many like being controlled...., which brings me to this weeks article. To sign up, click here.




"What I do say is that no man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent." - Abraham Lincoln

How many of us are in some form of relationship where one person tries to exert control over the other? Many years ago, in my very first serious relationship I was the one doing the controlling. Back then I was incredibly insecure, and I could never quite understand why my partner was with me. What was such a lovely person doing with little old me? So, I tried control what she wore, what she ate, who she spoke to, what she did with her money, what she did with her spare time. I basically tried to control her life. My logic at the time was that the more control I had over her the more she belonged to me. Rather scary how our minds and our ego can trick us. Fortunately I learnt a lot from that relationship and a few others and I am now secure enough to understand that my wife is with me because of who I am.

"No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys." - Doug Horton

No human being has the right to control another, there are no wedding vows out there that mention control. I know a lot of people who are in relationships where the one person controls the other person by manipulating certain conditions. Generally the person doing the controlling is insecure about something in their life, they might not even be aware of it. (The ego is very cunning). And sometimes the one being controlled is totally aware of the controlling and accepts it for some or other reason, usually fear of what life might be like if they decided to end the relationship.

In my humble opinion, ending the relationship should only be done once all other alternatives have been explored, counselling is usually the best one can do, if you can find a good counsellor. Of course, trying to get the insecure partner to agree to counselling can be quite tricky, they generally believe all the problems are their partners.

In a nutshell, never give your freedom away, and if you decide to, make the most of your decision. Stop complaining about it, and get on with living. We can create the life of our dreams, we just need to start believing we can.

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." - Tao Te Ching

Self concepts / Self perceptions

'An individuals self-concept is the core of his personality. It affects every aspect of human behavior: the ability to learn, the capacity to grow and change. A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life.' - Dr. Joyce Brothers

Have you looked in the mirror lately? What do you think of the person you are looking at? The reason I ask this, is that it doesn't really matter what other people think of you, but it is extremely important what you think of you. You see, what we think of ourselves can determine our success in life.
Below is a list of self concepts:

- Creativity
- Public Speaking
- Memory
- Learning
- Popularity
- Relationships
- Physical looks
- Parent
- Sport
- Organizational skills
- Time management / Productivity
- Abilities
- Earning power
- Promotional abilities
- Annual worth
- Financial planning, etc. (the list could go on)

If we believe we have a poor memory, then guess what, we are going to have a poor memory. If we believe we are a bad parent, then guess what, we are going to be a bad parent, and so it goes on.

'People only see what they are prepared to see.' - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Does what I have written make sense? I know people who need to be told that they are this, that or the other, just so that they can feel better about themselves. The sad thing is that until they believe it themselves, they never will feel better about themselves. I used to be very insecure, and doubt my abilities, and it has taken some hard work, and I am finally beginning to believe that I can do anything if I really put my mind to it, and I will be teaching my children the exact same thing.

Try this quick exercise. Write down the list of self concepts, and next to each one write down what you believe about yourself, and be totally honest. Now choose the ones you would like to change.

For example, next to 'Memory' I wrote, 'I have a bad memory' and I definitely want to change that, so I cross out what I wrote and wrote what I want to be true, 'I have a good memory'. Now I have to train my brain, so just like any training I start off slowly, I repeat to myself, 'I have a good memory' 20 times. If I'm on my own I even say it out loud and once I get really comfortable doing it I say it to myself while looking in the mirror. Seems a bit silly, but what have you got to lose? I'll let you know how well it works in a few weeks, but please
don't wait for my results, start changing your self concepts today. You're worth it!

'What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.' - Lao-tzu

'Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.' - Carl Jung

For more about self concepts / self perception, check out this great site.... Authentic-Self.com

Habits

“Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character...” - Stephen R. Covey

We all have habits, some good, some bad. Some conscious, some unconscious. Most of our unconscious habits are formed during our childhood and we aren't even aware of them until we start looking deep within. A habit doesn't have to be something you physically do, it can be a thought pattern or self concept as well. I am going to be a parent in the near future so when I read my personal development books I always notice the little gems of advice about parenting. I'm busy reading a book by Brian Tracy called 'Million Dollar Habits' and I have posted an extract which reveals two bad habits most of us develop from childhood. View the post here. It wouldn't be fair to blame our parents for them, they did the best they could with the information available to them at the time, and we are now adults anyway. (We are now responsible for our own personal development.)


“Mindless habitual behavior is the enemy of innovation.” - Rosabeth Moss Kanter

They say it takes 21 consecutive days to break a habit, but I find that a bit of a generalization. I feel it all depends on the habit and how deeply it is entrenched within us. Take smoking for example, with certain people it can take years to break the habit. The reason for this, they have become dependant on the habit, they can't imagine their life without that one little pleasure, regardless of the health risks. (I should know, I used to be a smoker...)

“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken” - Samuel Johnson

Breaking a habit is very similar to setting goals, we need to apply the same principles, and it all starts with a decision. Below are the nine steps for successful goal setting and
I will show you how they apply to changing habits.
1 - Write down the goal/habit in detail.
2 - Write down the reason for wanting to achieve the goal/change the habit.
3 - Make sure the goal/new habit is achievable.
4 - Break the goal/habit into smaller steps.
5 - Set deadlines for each step.
6 - Share the goal/habit with someone close to you.
7 - Visualizing how we will feel once we have achieved the goal/changed the habit is vital.
8 - We must continually measure our progress.
9 - We must reward ourselves once we have achieved each smaller step.

The trick here is diligence. So many of us start off well, then we get distracted by the busy-ness of our lives. Successful goal setting is a habit in itself. So what do we do?

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” - Jim Rohn

We firstly need to develop the habit of successful goal setting. To do this we must choose a goal we know we can achieve, something small. Write down the nine steps and measure ourselves every day, write down the results, no matter how trivial. Once we have achieved our first goal, we then choose a goal that is a bit more difficult to achieve, and so on. By doing this we form the habit of goal setting, and once we have developed this habit, life becomes an adventure.

“Good habits, once established are just as hard to break as are bad habits” - Robert Puller

Here is something fun to do, imagine it is five years in the future. Now write a letter to a close friend telling them how wonderful your life is, write as if you are living the life of your dreams, and be specific, write about the house you live in, the car you drive, your career and interests, your partner, and write with passion and share how you feel about your life. Let your imagination flow freely.....have lots of fun.

Affects of parenting

Below is an extract from a book, 'Million Dollar Habits' by Brian Tracy

Starting early in childhood, as the result of the things your parents do and say, you begin to learn the two basic negative habit patterns that then become the most destructive influences in your life as an adult.

The first negative habit pattern that you learn is called the inhibitive negative habit pattern. This is what soon becomes the fear of failure, risk and loss. As a child, your natural urge is to explore your environment. You eagerly reach out to touch, taste, feel and experiment with everything around you. But often your parents react and even over react to this behaviour by discouraging you as much as possible. They say, “No! Get away from that! Don’t touch that! Leave that alone!” Many parents reinforce their words and threats with spankings and punishment.

Children need love like roses need rain. Love is as important to the developing child as is food. Any interruption of the flow of unconditional love to the child causes the child to feel nervous and frightened. Psychologists say that virtually all adult problems are rooted in the phenomena of “love withheld” in early childhood.

When your parents become angry with you as the result of your natural desire and drive to explore your world and your environment, you have no way of understanding that this is because of their fear for your safety. Instead, as a child, you merely react and respond with the idea that, “Every time I try or touch or taste something new or different, my mother or father gets angry at me. It must be because I am incapable and incompetent. It must be because I am no good. It must be because I can’t do it.”

Fear of Trying Anything New

This feeling of “I can’t” begins the development of the fear of failure. If you are discouraged or punished too often as a child, very early in life you will become fearful of trying new things. This fear will then carry over into later childhood, adolescence and adult life. Thereafter, whenever you think of doing something new or different, something that entails risk or uncertainty, your first reaction will be “I can’t!” As soon as you say the words “I can’t” to yourself, you will begin immediately to think of all the reasons why such a thing is not possible for you.

You will think and talk in terms of failure, rather than success. You will think of the uncertainties and all the possible risks of loss that may occur. Before you even try something new, you will talk yourself out of it.

The kindest words that a parent can tell his or her child, in addition to the words “I love you,” are the words “You can do anything that you set your mind to.” It is amazing how many people’s lives have been dramatically affected by the influence of a single person, a parent, relative or friend, who simply told them, over and over again, “You can do it.”

The second fear that we learn early in life, which then affects us for the rest of our lives, is the fear of rejection, or criticism. We are all sensitive to the opinions of others, especially to the opinions and reactions of our parents when we are growing up. Parents often take advantage of this need to please to control and manipulate their children. The way they do it is by giving or withholding approval and support, based on the behaviour of the child at the moment.

When the child does or says something that the parents don’t like, they immediately become rejecting and critical of the child. Since the approval and support of the parent is like a psychological lifeline to the emotional health of the child, the child is immediately affected and pulls back from the behaviour in order to regain the love and approval of the parents.

Parents very soon slip into the habit of manipulating the child with “carrot and stick” treatment. They alternate with approval and disapproval, with compliments and criticism, to control and manipulate the child’s behaviour.

As a child, you are too young to understand what is going on. You know only one thing. The love and approval of your parents is indispensable to your well-being. It is the key to your emotional health. You therefore learn that, “If you want to get along, you go along.” At an early age, you begin to conform your behaviours to earn the approval, and avoid the disapproval, of your parents.

The Approval of Others

As you grow older, you become increasingly sensitive to the approval or disapproval of others, starting with members of your family, and then your friends and associates. Teenagers especially become extremely sensitive to whether or not they are liked or disliked by their peers. Instead of being fearless and spontaneous, completely open, honest and expressive, they begin to shape their behaviours and conform to whatever they feel their peers will approve of at the moment.

The child does not know why the parent is behaving this way. The child simply concludes that, “Every time I do something that Mommy or Daddy disapproves of, they stop loving me. Therefore, whatever it is, I have to do what makes them happy. I have to do what pleases them. I have to do what they want if I want to be safe.”

This feeling generates what is called the “compulsive negative habit pattern,” which is characterized by the words “I have to!” As an adult, the child who was subjected to disapproval and destructive criticism becomes hypersensitive to the attitudes and opinions of others. They are continually saying, “I have to do this” or “I have to do that.” When the fear of rejection becomes extreme, the individual becomes so hypersensitive to the opinions of others that he or she cannot make a decision until he or she is absolutely convinced that everyone in the world around them will approve and support the decision.

The worst situation of all, which is quite common in most people, is the combined feeling of, “I have to” but “I can’t.” The individual feels that he has to do something in order to win the approval of an important person in his life, but simultaneously, he is afraid of trying anything new or different, and becomes extremely sensitive to the reactions and comments of anyone around him.

The root cause of negative habit patterns can almost always be traced back to “destructive criticism” in early childhood. Often, destructive criticism is accompanied by physical punishment. In either or both cases, the child very quickly loses his or her natural spontaneity and becomes fearful and hypersensitive to others.

All the other fears that hold people back - the fears of loss, of poverty, of embarrassment, of ridicule, of ill health, of the loss of love of someone, of public speaking, of taking a chance, of starting or trying something new or different – are all rooted in the fears of failure and rejection that begin in early childhood.